10 Years in Heaven

10 years ago today our precious Gideon James went to be with Jesus.  And right now, surrounded by our three beautiful children, happy with the expectation of Christmas, I can't help feel like something is missing...that someone is missing...that many someones are absent.  It's crazy to think that our lives could have been filled with over half a dozen kids by now.  If only.  But today is about remembering Gideon.  His precious life.  Remembering that he DID count.  That his little life DID matter.  Ten years of missing him hasn't diminished our love for him, and the sweet time that we had with him on this earth are some of my most cherished memories.

I remember the first time I saw those two pink lines on the positive pregnancy test.  My heart must have jumped into my throat I was so excited.  A baby!  How wonderful!  I couldn't wait to tell Aaron, to share my special news.  I told him that night as soon as he got home from work.  He was SO thrilled!  A Daddy!  He couldn't wait to be one.

We waited a few weeks to share our news with the rest of the family.  And it was fun having a secret that no one else knew about.  And a baby seems to be the most special secret of all.  A baby.  God's blessing.  It was fun seeing the excited reactions of family members when we told them our secret and let them in on our joy.  I can remember my Mema's excited screams..."a baby!"...and I remember how I cried anxious tears, hoping everything would be okay and my Mom saying "yep, you're a mom now!  All these emotions and concerns come with the territory."  And boy do they.

Life went on normally for a couple months, I experienced morning sickness and food aversions and my little flat tummy began to grow. That first "baby bump" was fun to see.  I can remember wanting to look more pregnant so everyone would know I was having a baby.  I was so excited.  I had always wanted to be a mommy.  It was my dream.  The greatest longing within my heart.  And I couldn't wait to hold and love on my sweet child.

And then one Saturday in the middle of the night I woke up, bed soaked, and I just knew something was wrong.  It smelled like things did when I saw my Mom deliver my baby sister.  Amniotic fluid.  But I didn't want to think that anything serious had happened.  But in the back of my mind I knew.  We called my doctor and were told to take things easy, and monitor for any more fluid loss, and to come in on Monday.

Monday came and we found out that my water had broken and that we were going to lose the baby.  They even offered to help that process happen faster.  No.  I believed that we could save our baby and I was ready to go to any lengths to make that happen.  And so for the next 5 weeks I was on strict bedrest.  No showers, no getting up to get something to eat.  Just bathroom visits.  And I was so hopeful.  I would attend weekly visits to my doctor to see if my fluid would build up again.  But it didn't, and the miracle I was so sure would happen never came.  I was still hopeful, right up until the night that I went into labor.  Just a week shy of the point where doctor's would have been able to offer our baby potential life-saving attention should he be born early.

The day Gideon passed away will forever be a day etched into the very depths of my soul.  I sometimes wish I could describe the feelings, but they are so personal and hard to put into words.  I will tell you that I felt the instant that he passed.  I had been feeling him kick during some of the contractions but after a while he became still.  I prayed so hard for him to kick one last time, I wanted so bad to feel him once more before I had to say my final goodbye to my baby.  And so I begged Jesus to feel my baby move just once more.  And he did, right after I prayed.  I got one more kick.  And then he was gone.  When we got to the hospital the staff there confirmed what I already knew in my mother's heart.  That my baby had passed away.  I already knew it, but hearing it from someone else made it real.

And then I delivered him.  And I felt what it's like to have your soul ripped in two.  And then I held him and felt what it's like to love someone more than anything else in the world.  Knew what it was like to hold a miracle in your hands.  I'll never forget that day.

Ten years later and I still miss him.  My firstborn.  My baby.  And our family remembers him.  Because he does count.  Life matters.  And it doesn't make a difference how brief or how long, life is precious.  Life is a gift.  And children are always a blessing. 

Sweet precious Gideon.  I love you so much.  I cherish everything

about your sweet life and thinking of you brings me joy.  I know where you are, 

and that brings me comfort.  Knowing you're with Jesus makes me happy.  

Happy 10th Heaven birthday my sweetness.  Mommy loves you. 

*Grace*