Monday, January 11, 2010

Caught In Between

Lately I've been feeling like I'm caught in between doing what's "best" for Johnathan and doing my best to make sure that this pregnancy goes as well as possible. If I take care of Monkey the way that he needs to be cared for then I am up on my feet and not taking it easy for the baby. If I take it easy for the baby's sake then I'm almost constantly frustrating sweet Baby J. because he doesn't understand why mommy is just laying around like a lazy bum. I guess I can't have the best of both worlds...but I can keep trying to do what I can to make the best of the world that I'm living in. It is hard to realize that I can't be everything to both of them right now...and it brings to mind a conversation that I had with my mom just a week or so ago.

Years ago, when she was very early in her pregnancy with another little "P" my mom asked a friend (and I'm paraphrasing here) how she could be everything to all her children...how far could she "stretch" her love for each of her kids to have all of her all the time...and you know what???...her wise friend told her she didn't have to be everything...that her children (me included!) would get our love tanks filled through her (and my dad) and through each other. Like I said, I've paraphrased our conversation, but what I took away from it is that I shouldn't have to feel like I'm 100% responsible for every bit of happiness and love that my children feel. Not to say that I don't pour all the love I have to give into each of my precious kids, but I need to realize that there are other people in their lives that will help fill those little love tanks too.

So, regarding my current frustration of being caught in between doing what's best for each of my two little ones, I am having to come to grips with the fact that there is only so much that I can do, and I'll have to depend on God for the rest. I believe that He is able to fill in the gaps and I know that if my children feel the love and care I have for them on top of God's love then everything will be okay.

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Regarding our sweet little "Belly Baby", I am now a day over 16 weeks along...and although I feel great---very little nausea & energized (most days)---I am sort of anxious because this week (week 16) is the week that I had my pregnancy troubles with our precious Gideon and Daniel. Of course I have the stitch in place right now, but I still get a bit antsy because I know that my uterus is now at the point where that stitch really has to do it's job because my body just doesn't have the ability to. So just pray that I don't get too over anxious, that I can continue to trust God for the sweet life of this baby, and that my previous fears from what I know can happen do not put a damper on the happiness that I should feel carrying this little blessing. Fear really can rob your joy...and I don't want that to happen with this child.

Okay, y'all, I'm off to do some minor organization while Monkey is napping! I'll be back soon!

*Grace*

4 comments:

Gail said...

Gracie,

Your honesty is so refreshing....it's beautiful to see how God is working in your life through all these *small* & *large* life lessons...right now I'm reading "Steppping Heavenward"...and your words sort of summed up what I've been thinking on, too!

I love you...and I know God will take care of YOU, your sweet baby, and your family in every way you need.

Hugs,

Gail

goatpod2 said...

Hugs and prayers for you Grace.

Amy

Kayla said...

"God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." 1 Timothy 1:7

Grace,
I can imagine all of the fears and worry that you have, but trust in what you know is good, true and "sound." God has already done so many great thing in this pregnancy and he will be faithfull to complete it. Praying for you anxious heart!

love
kayla

Kayla said...

"God did not give us the spirit of fear, but of power, love and a sound mind." 1 Timothy 1:7

Grace,
I can imagine all of the fears and worry that you have, but trust in what you know is good, true and "sound." God has already done so many great thing in this pregnancy and he will be faithfull to complete it. Praying for you anxious heart!

love
kayla