Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Too Many Memories,Too Many Emotions

Tuesday was spent much as is possible in a hospital...and visiting the NICU...and hanging out with my sweet sister who spent 3 nights in a row with me, enduring the less-than-comfy hospital pull-out bed in order to be around to help me when I needed it. What a trooper Gwen was!!!

My main memory of Tuesday was being given one of the baby swaddling blankets that Eli had been sleeping in. His nurse gave it me to along with one of the little hats that he had worn so that I could have them with me when I was pumping to try to get my milk to come in faster. Apparently smelling and thinking about your baby helps your body to get in gear with the milk production...I had heard of this before, and I was more than happy to take those sweet little items with me and was expecting to have no problem trying it out in order to make nature's best nutrition for my sweet Eli.

I kept the blanket and hat with me on my bed, and when it came time for the next pumping (I was trying to pump about every 3 hours) I was ready with my sweet little Eli's scent...but I was not prepared for what was about to happen... I started to pump I smelled the blanket, but it was not the scent of Eli that flooded my memories, it was the scent of our first sweet boy, Gideon. It smelled just like him, and all the good, mommy-milk-making emotions that were supposed to happen were drowned out by the one of the few things that I can hold on to in the absence of having Gideon here on this earth---his smell. For a lot of people, scent is something that has strong ties to certain memories, and for me this is definitely true. I can feel happy or sad when I smell certain things, and I can remember being in the hospital after delivering Gideon and just inhaling his smell...sweet and baby-pure, and something I'll never forget, ever. Every once in a while I'll kiss Aaron on the side of his head and I smell Gideon, I love that about Aaron. A small way to stay connected with my precious boy. And so, as I sat in my hospital room, trying to concentrate on my sweet fourth son, I just couldn't, and memories of biggest brother flooded my mind and I just had to put the blanket away, and I didn't bring it out again, tho I still pumped of course. That is my memory of Tuesday.



Anonymous said...

What a sweet memory, hugs to you!


Emily Minich said...

Oh Grace, what pain. Blessings to you!! I am so glad that you do have a memory of Gideon, but having it happen at a difficult time must have been so hard.